Answers revealed

I was thinking about how the statement 'YOUR JOY IS MY STRENGTH' works. It never occured to me that its actually that simple. I have always been struggling with giving my life, surrendering whole heartedly to HIM. even until now. there are some things which i cannot bring myself to give up or let go. Some things which i hold too dear. I remember a story my friend once shared. It is a story of a girl who wanted a beautiful necklace she saw in a shop. She worked so hard to earn enough money to buy that necklace. When she bought it, she was sooooooooooo happy beyond words. nothing can take the necklace away from her. Until her dad came and said, ''Darling, could you hand over your necklace? to me? your father?'' She was of course VERY RELUCTANT. but in the end, she did. and when she handed over the necklace to her father, her father took out a box. Inside the box contains another necklace of similar design and structure, only this time, this necklace is REAL! its not the fake necklace she saw at the shop!! 

I've always wanted to do that. ive always wanted to surrender my necklace to HIM. the necklace i hold so dear to me that nothing can ever take it away from me. But then i realized, time and time again the conviction came for me to give it all up and just WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY??!! I CAN'T! i just couldnt. i dont know how i'm going to survive after that. Where am i going to get my strength to live on everyday? then the Holy Spirit just told me - The joy of the Lord is your strength! The joy of the Lord is my strength!! just few days ago, i was wondering how this statement can be applied. what does this statement even mean? 

Pr Dave Yeow came to preach in ACTS cyber today. Today's message was clearly for me. Yes, i have been living in denial for so long. Trying to come up with logical excuses to defend my cause. trying to blur the lines between what is right and God's will. the word FAITH never manifested itself throughout this 2 years. 2 years of my life- barrier from HIM. 2 years of searching for His will when its clear from the start. i have only wanted to look at the outcomes that I wanted. Not the outcomes that i didnt want! 

I'm tired. i'm tired of fighting. but making this decision is like taking my own life and then let God get hold of my life. i know its the right thing to do, but its just too hard! how can taking your own life ever be easy? that feeling of death. that feeling of lifelessness. but i know. i have to do it sooner or later. the joy of the Lord has left me alone for too long. time and time again i tried to rekindle what i first had with HIM but i cant. I just cant seem to do it. something is holding me back. holding me back from HIM. is it you? 

Confronting the problem is never easy. i wasnt trained to confront problems. i always take the easy way out. that is to run away. until it became too difficult. i dont know where else to run. where can i run? Answers have been there all the while, but i chose not to see it. because i dont like what i see. But time to face the truth. i cannot be with you. 

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